This quarter I've been scared. Scared of my future, scared of what people think about me, scared of gaining weight, scared of getting bad grades, so on and so forth. I don't want to step on any toes, and I do not want to disappoint God, myself, and those who are counting on me to do well. I think a part of me just wants to be myself, not caring about judgement. Just do me, ya dig? However, I am terrified of people. People are mean. People watch your every move. People will talk. I know this because I find myself, many times, being critical of other people. I know many times this is because I seek flaws in people who I envy. Oh that girl got an A on that essay? Pshh, well, well, I'm better than her in math, so whatever. I'm an English major, math isn't even relevant, however, these little things I nitpick because I want to be the top of my class, because I want people to see me as worthy of their friendship. I constantly analyze every interaction I have with a person. Oh that girl cut me off, she doesn't think my story is important. OMG it's been like 2 minutes since she's opened my Snapchat, she must think I'm annoying. Overdramatic? Even I think, yes, but I can't help being overcome with worry and anxiety. I know my worth should be built around God, however, I constantly wonder why I can't just shut off my own brain and seek the Lord.
Why is it that I seek man's approval over the grace and the mercy God has shown over me? His love is free, btdubs. And he loves my imperfect self. This week has especially been a struggle, however, in this, I have found many reasons to feel completely blessed. In the past I felt as though my issues and problems didn't compare to the problems of other people. "Sarah your insecurities are like nothing. It shouldn't even be worth mentioning. Your problems have always been the same, so stop pestering people about it, they don't care anymore" is what I have been telling myself. One night I just couldn't. I let it all spill out onto Shaina, my loving, understanding, wonderful, and wise roommate. She just plopped on my bed and I let it rip faster than flatulence. Guess what? She listened, and genuinely cared. You know that look people get when they are actually paying attention? Yeah, she had that face. Not to mention, wise 'ol Shaina whips out her black book full of verses and shares the ones that were relevant to my situation. Lastly, she told me to "choose joy."
HMMM "choose joy." Two little words have so much impact. I hope everyday I wake up, I find the joy in living. After reading Ecclesiastes, I have realized that everything we work for is meaningless, and will die with us. This does not mean we should flip the table and leave. God calls us to find JOY in the work He gave to us, whether it be school or that 9 to 5 I know y'alls don't like. He calls us to love Him, and spread that love He has for us in our everyday life, rather than make the world our idol and the basis of our worth. It's hard, and, honey boo boo child, I am NOT close to being joyful everyday, but I hope that everyday He will be the reminder for us to CHOOSE JOY!
With a complicated mind and an empty stomach,
S.Park
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