The End

Yo Friendz,

It's interesting because I started this blog when I was a Freshman in college. Now I am a Senior. Well, I suppose I've already graduated, but a lot of times it doesn't really feel that way. There are times I feel very much like I'm still an undergraduate, serving in ministry, hanging out with my friends, etc. However, when I come back from a long day of teaching, I often feel like a super tired, old grandma who doesn't fit within the mold of young, spritely college students. I feel like I've already started my job and I'm just trying to hang onto my college life as tight as I can. When I'm surrounded by other credential people I feel like I'm catching up to them and when I'm with college students I feel like I don't necessarily belong there either. I think this was even more apparent when graduation photos started to roll around. I know I'm not technically getting a degree, but I know I would regret not taking graduation photos with my friends when I look back in ten years. I felt awkward taking photos with last year's graduation class. In the middle. That seems to be where I've been living this year. Not that that's a bad thing, but it's just a perspective I have never experienced life in.

This year, God's challenged me in a crazy amount of ways. I've had multiple conversations I literally never thought I would have in a million and one years, I have made relationships with the best and the greatest people (both new and old) ever, I have been encouraged to become patient with my own ambitions, I have taught 65 ninth grade munchkins over the course of a year, I passed a 50 page long portfolio, and so much more. I look back and I KNOW it could not have happened without my Savior who gives me strength. It was an exhausting year, and I feel like I've used more energy than I have within me, but I also am leaving knowing that He is good, He is faithful, and He gives me immense gratitude. Therefore, I'm dedicating this blog to those who have encouraged me over the next couple of weeks before I leave for good :)

Process It

There's this endless cycle of me posting consistently and then me completely flying off the face of the planet. There should be a balance, but nah. I guess it's really similar to how I process things, deal with problems, etc. I stack them all up until it's time to break it down. This quarter has been really challenging in a lot of ways, heck, this year in general has been challenging in a lot of ways.

First, school. I took over the two ninth grade classes we have in the schedule, and it has been a ton of fun, sometimes discouraging, always rewarding. Through this experience, I realized students don't just misbehave for the sake of it. They aren't closed off because they don't like me, but more times than not, they have a need for attention. Maybe they have bad situations at home, maybe they have a disability, maybe they lack confidence, maybe they are being bullied. I don't know what goes one behind the scenes and within their minds, but I can be gracious, understanding, and, more than anything, patient. Although we all know that is often hard to do. Love what you do and do it well. That's something I'm still learning to do. Endurance is really important. I need more stamina. 

Second, ministry.  I think it was hard for me to make time for people outside of discipleship and my close friends because there just isn't enough time in a day for me to do so. I felt guilty for not investing myself in deeper relationships with underclassmen, but I realized I'm one person and it's okay for me to take things step by step. Also, planning LG has been really awesome but really challenging at the same time. Vision planning is super humbling and it makes me realize how much we have to depend on God to move in our ministry. It's really all Him. Motivation. What motivates me? I think a heart check is always needed and necessary. I honestly have so so much respect for those who are invested and believe in what God can do through our little movement :') Although logistics will fail us, He never does. I'm overcome by love for my brothers and sisters in my ministry, and I am blessed to be able to do life with them. I realize God can move mountains with a rock, what makes me doubt He can move in our imperfect ministry? Less of me, more of Him.

Where am I? I'm jumping in and out of focusing on things seen and attempting to shift my attention towards eternal perspective, the things unseen but reliable. There are plenty of times I'm dissatisfied in my situation. There are times I wonder why certain emotions are placed in my mind and they often leave me frustrated. I don't know why, but I know through it all, He is sovereign. It's honestly a constant reminder. I have to remember I'm not and cannot be perfect. Striving to be perfect is an imperfection in itself. I was thinking about the fall of man and I realized the weight of our Father's love for us. He could have easily created perfect beings who stayed without sin, praising Him the way He deserves to be. He chose us. Why? How much must our Father love us. CRAZY!!

I don't even know,

S. Park