Hello,
I have so been avoiding this blog like the plague. Writing a blog post definitely calls for some reminiscing and processing yada yada aka I need to use my brain and control my feelings and all that good stuff. It's been a hard quarter so far. I think it's really hitting hard that I'm graduating this year. Though I'm not going to necessarily miss my classes, I'm going to miss the community here that I found not so long ago. I'm so sad that I need to start from the ground up again when I feel like I just started to feel a sense of belonging. Yes, I'm excited to start my new journey in teaching, but I still feel like I need a few years before I venture off into the real world. As career fair was a couple weeks ago, I felt an escalated feeling of inferiority to people who got internships with big tech or business companies. Though I continue to tell myself that God blesses people in different ways through different outlets, it's hard to feel a detachment from this feeling. I have a problem with feeling inferior in many aspects of my life. My problems, my ideas, my insecurities always seem to be less important than everyone else's. I was expressing this to Liv during discipleship and what she said encouraged me so much. We're hardest on ourselves. Though we think that people will judge us and call us stupid for the mistakes we make, our friends want more than anything to encourage us and help us carry the burden. Also, I've realized how the negativity I have towards myself translates how I view others. I want to be more encouraging and loving to others, and I hope that this quarter will be one that brings more of that rather than judgment.
-break-
The above portion I wrote about a month ago. That's how much I've been avoiding this processing process. Honestly, I didn't even go back to read what I wrote. Writing about what I'm going through hasn't been the easiest thing to do. I feel very unsure of where I am called to be. School's hard, life's hard, but I think everyone goes through that, and I know I need a stronger, more persistent heart. I'm drowning in work, but I know that God still loves me and wants to pursue me, though I choose to avoid Him. What's crazy, that I have been really thinking about, is the way God loves us. We are like those "friends" who continuously manipulate, ignore, and stab us in the back. Who likes or cares for those friends, let alone die for them? Forget about it! I want so much to seek and love the Lord the way He loves us, though, obviously, His love is unfathomable. HE JUST LOVES US SO MUCH! As much as I want to be perfect. Perfection wears us down. We drown in the impossibility of perfection. Though I've held on to attaining perfection for so long, I am learning to let go.
With a lighter load,
S. Park
