It's that time of the month, party people,
Ministry. Wow. There are so many aspects of leading in a ministry that I have never considered or thought about before this year. I've never really realized it before this year, but I realized I'm pretty prideful. Or rather, I take pride as a defense mechanism. I think there are many times I want to serve to prove to God and man that I am capable of doing everything well. In this, I take pride and this pride leads to feeling threatened when someone else does the job better or more efficiently. Rather than learning from other people and seeking to being teachable, my mind goes into survival mode or something. Beat everyone out so that I can feel like I'm worth something. Above all else, I try to please and impress man over God.
An area that this is most prominent is worship. Worship is a response. A response to the unending love, grace, compassion, strength, justice God has. An act of thanksgiving for all that He has done, is doing, and will do in the future. However, for the longest time I was simply thinking about myself. How do I sound today? Which songs make me sound nice? Do people like the way I sound? Which songs will the group like? Oh no, I messed up. How will I make it up? This can go on and on, and these are all thoughts I had every time I picked up a mic to sing in front of large group. That was something I was afraid of confessing for a long time. I would tell the worship team "Let's do this for God and not for ourselves or our own glorification" and I knew that was right, I wanted that. That wasn't my reality, though. This year has been extremely eye opening and humbling. I can't imagine how patient God is with me when I am called to worship Him. I would be so frustrated if everyone I loved faced a different direction, yet He still calls for me. What a gracious, gracious God.
