Today I got a midterm back in an English class. A class that isn't only filled with English majors, but with majors of all sorts. I felt like I needed to prove myself in this class because why should I be an English major if I can't get the grades to validate it? What made me qualified to be an English major? Well, I got smacked in the tush today. I think I've always waited for the day or the moment I would be slapped when it came to my grades. Freshmen and Sophomore year made me overly confident in my work. I thought I could be bold and confident in those classes because I was doing so well, but internally, I feared the day I would bomb a test or fail a class or say something stupid in class. Them English majors judge you hard core, naw'm sayin? It was bound to happen, right? I'm not saying that it has come to that, but I really felt inferior today as I sat there with my midterm and the fiery letter grade staring at me. It hit me really hard. Every time I do poorly on an essay, I sit there with tears welling up in my eyes because I feel like I'm worth nothing more than the grade that categorizes me. Dramatic, I know. It's the sad truth, though. My identity has become my grades, my looks, my personality, the clever things I can come up with on social media. Whenever I feel like I have failed in any of those categories, I internally curse myself. Well maybe not the social media part, but everything else. It's one bad grade, and I am literally contemplating my place as an English major. I am OBSESSED with the idea of proving myself. I don't even know why I am so obsessed with my grades. Even in high school, after everyone had given up their grades after being accepted into colleges, I felt a need to continue turning in all my homework and get A's in all my classes. At the root of it, I am self critical because I am trying to use grades as a way to justify my worth in society. How do I turn that self critical attitude into one that finds joy in studying? God gave us the opportunity to come to school and study and become refined young men and women. Why am I feeling so miserable? To be honest, I don't really know. How do I turn my heart completely towards God during this time?
Ephesians 1:3-4
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, ...
We have been blessed with every spiritual blessing ever from God. I think just the realization of this doesn't necessarily mean drop out of school, but it doesn't tie you down by the weight of grades and performance because God will equip you with what you need. He has given us His inheritance! What else do you need? I think that fact is something to consider and dwell on.
Happy Studying,
S. Park
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